Implausible Story No.9

 As usual most of these made-up stories come from news reports in the daily paper or Radio 4, maybe...slightly embellished

Being a Wednesday

Good morning lads and lasses the PM will be with us in a minute.

Sit up straight everyone, and no frowning over there, or chucking screwed up pieces of paper round the table Chancellor. I know you've just had a £22,000 pay rise but we'd rather you didn't rub it in. Some of us are on our uppers. One of my jags ran out of petrol the other day and the chauffeur had to push it home because the credit card kept ringing an alarm bell every time the chap at the garage tried to put it in the machine. We had to wait ages while a lad came out and siphoned the petrol out of the tank. It was very embarrassing especially as I'm sure the chap at the garage was an Illegal Immigrant, at least he couldn't speak proper English and kept muttering something about this sort of thing never happening in Albania. Anyway it took ages before I got pushed home. It was ever so boring sitting in the back of the car for two hours trundling along at 1mph.

Anyway the reason for today's meeting is that I've had a warning that the Member for East Grinstead will be asking a question at tomorrow's PM's Questions and I want us to work out an answer for the PM to give to the chap.

It's connected with old people staying in hospital too long… sort of treating the places like hotels.

We sent a circular round a fortnight ago ordering Chief Executives to implement immediately our new strategy of clearing beds as soon as operations had been completed. The long and the short of it is some irk went to visit his elderly mother of 93 last week and they couldn't find her. After a few hours playing with their computers they discovered she had been sent home after her operation. He said she hadn't arrived and after a lot of investigation they found her sitting by a bus stop outside the hospital.

She'd been there two days in her nightie with no money.

They took her back to hospital.

Not the same one you understand because that doesn't have an outpatients department, but to one somewhere in Birmingham. Everywhere else was full.

After nine hours sitting in the outpatients department she was seen by the doctor and was told she needed an operation. It seems they'd forgotten to do it in the other place… some sort of computer glitch. Anyway she's been put back on the waiting list and it seems she's got to wait another five years.

All very interesting Deputy PM but what's the question?

Not so fast young woman, I'm coming to that… The question is.. the old lady's son parked his car in the hospital car park and when he returned after finding his mother and sorting out her trip to Birmingham his car had been clamped and they wanted £1,000 cash to remove the clamps.

He said he didn't have that much on him so went into town to get some from his bank and when he got back the car had been towed away.

He rang the number on the ticket he'd been given earlier and was directed to a call centre in Delhi. All the lines were busy and all he got was Indian music. He tried on and off for a couple of days then gave up and rang his MP. So there we are… the question is… where's the car?

We could try "the old standby", Deputy PM.

What's that Godfrey?

Well it goes like this… The second question on the PM's list should be something really innocuous like.. "If the PM had a completely free hand and the UK were to be given the chance to hold the Olympic Games in 2020 or something.. where would he like to see them held?"

I suggest a "written" answer simply stating "East Grinstead". Then later when your chap's question gets put he says simply, "I refer the honourable member to the answer I gave earlier".

By the time he's sorted that out, Eureka, the car will have turned up…

Jolly good Godfrey. You've really earned your pay today.

Sound of feet running up the stairs and the door flies open
Grey looking figure slumps into chair pulls out a handkerchief emblazoned with stars and stripes and wipes his brow..

Quick Deputy PM pass me a coffee and a chocolate digestive

That's a nice hankie PM

Yes Deputy PM it's one of the new one's that've just been produced
I got it on my last trip.. it's really special

Why's that PM?

It's got an extra star on it Deputy PM.

An extra star PM? What for?

Us you wally. Us. Haven't you read the latest new "Bush 2004" manifesto. The bit about inviting the UK to become the newest US state?

That's great PM does it mean we'd get a discount to Disneyworld?

Probably Maurice, probably.

By the way Deputy PM did you sort out the latest silliness?

Naturellement PM, naturellement.

Right you lot can clear off then and let me get some work done.
Cherie wants me to redecorate my lad's new flat
Before you all disappear can someone lend me a B& Q Pensioners' Discount Card…. Mo?

PM really, I'm most hurt.

Sorreee.... anyone else?

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