Highly implausible story 4


Another Imaginary Secret Meeting at Number Ten

Yes Deputy PM?
Why are we meeting in this broom cupboard?
Shush shush don't talk too loudly in case someone hears.
Why PM?
I thought I'd pass on some useful information and I don't want anyone else to find out
What is it PM?
Well some of our backbenchers have discovered a loophole and I want to see how we can deal with it without upsetting the applecart, as it were, before it gets out of hand.
Is this something to do with those e-mails I saw yesterday?
How can I possibly answer that you wally.
Was I standing behind you when you were reading them?
What e-mails?
Well PM, one said that there was a super wheeze that the MP for Birmingham North North East had discovered.
It went like this.
Now that we don't have to go into the House on Mondays or Fridays and we officially start work at 9am and finish at 4pm on the other days, and we take two hours for lunch, then we only actually work 15 hours a week.
Well I suppose theoretically that's right Deputy PM. But I did say that it was because I'd let them travel to work on Mondays and go home on Fridays so really those days count as well!
I'm not blaming you PM, perish the thought. No it's just that the rules say you can't claim "travelling to work" counts as work. That's covered in sub-para19 of para 23b.
What sub-para 19? What on earth are you waffling on about Deputy PM?
Well PM it's in the rules for Job Seekers.
I thought as much Deputy PM. That's why we're having this meeting.
Half the backbenchers are claiming Income Support or more precisely Job Seekers Income Support or something. I can't actually remember what we call it now. Anyway I mean "The Dole". Half of those wasters are claiming the dole!
Well PM I think they are right strictly speaking. I looked in the rulebook last night.
Anyone working less than 16 hours a week is unemployed and as such they can claim all sorts of benefits.
Hang on Deputy PM .. how much are those cretins getting paid, surely they must be on a good salary? Well PM, with all their allowances they must be getting £85,000 a year.
So how can they be getting £85,000 a year and claim they're unemployed?
Well it's all to do with the small print in the rule book PM.
When you work it out they're on holiday for 32 weeks; at least they don't have to turn up at the House then. Remember it was your idea PM so you didn't get asked hard questions all the time. By letting everyone go home for Christmas for 2 months or whatever and Summer hols of 3 months and what with Easter etc you didn't get hassled by hard questions and distracted from governing the plebs.
Go on Deputy PM.
Well it's like this PM.
MPs only officially work for 300 hours a year and if they claim that their hourly rate is £283 then they are entitled to claim Job Seekers allowance on top of their salaries.
I thought as much Deputy PM. That's why we're having this meeting.
What are we going to do?
Well PM we can exclude MPs from getting Job Seekers Allowance.
No you nincompoop. If we do that everyone will find out and there'll be a big stink!
What if we just pretend we don't know?
Well I suppose you're right as usual PM, you've got real lateral thinking. I wish I was as clever as you.
We can't all be genius material Deputy PM.
By the way PM how did you find out if it wasn't those e-mails that were circulating?
Well I heard one of the backbenchers chatting to a fellow in "the other place".
He said he'd just had his country house double glazed and draught-proofed and had all his walls filled with cavity insulation. He said he'd also had a new central heating system installed and even a new hot water cylinder jacket and all his fireplaces refurbished FREE.
When Lord Whatshisname asked him how he'd managed to do this he said he'd applied for Job Seekers Allowance and this was one of the benefits the lady at the Job Centre had said he was entitled to.
Yes I'd heard that PM. That erk has a huge mansion with 93 rooms! It must have cost a packet just for the copper pipes let alone the massive great hot water cylinder jacket!
By heck it makes you think PM doesn't it.
It surely does Deputy PM…..
Now if we cut down our official working day to a couple of hours would we be entitled to anything? Do a few sums and let me know what you can come up with Deputy PM….
By the way Deputy PM.
Yes PM what is it?
When you pulled the door shut why on earth didn't you let on there was no door knob on the inside!


 Return to stories