Implausible Story No.11


Chance Meeting at Number Ten on Schools Crisis

Absolutely made up!

Deputy PM… I've just had a memo from the Minister for Education and whatnots.

What does it say PM?

Well it goes something like this…
A big comprehensive school down the road from here started sending kids home at lunchtime..

Why PM.. did she elucidate…?

Let me finish Deputy PM… It'll all become clear…
They ran out of money and couldn't pay the teachers
She goes on to say that their budget was in two parts… the Teaching Budget and the Administration Budget
The part to do with teaching is allocated on the number of pupils attending the school and when they started sending kids home at lunchtime on Monday and the various forms had been received by the bean counter people at the Ministry the teaching budget got reduced

Why was that PM?

Well deputy PM… it's obvious isn't it? With less kids attending the school the teaching budget allocation is obviously going to be less. That's pretty basic bean counting Deputy PM!

Of course it is PM.. sorry I interrupted.

Well a few days later the school Finance Department worked out that because the budget had been reduced by 10% because of the Monday afternoon free periods, as it were, they had to send the kids home on Tuesday afternoons as well
When the Ministry got the next returns the budget was reduced a little more
It went on like this until the kids were sent home on Monday mornings as well as all the afternoons

Go on PM..

Eventually the kids were sent home every morning and every afternoon as well

You mean the school closed PM?

No Deputy PM it didn't have to close because the budget still got allocated for all the administrative people
All the teachers were made redundant of course but there are still all the finance people and other staff
Since we categorized all school staff in 2002 you realise that these people are the true "life-blood" of any school and they can't be got rid of under any circumstances

What do they do now then PM?

Well it's a full time job filling in all the forms for the Ministry and planning and suchlike so they're all fairly busy

When was all this PM I haven't heard anything recently on Radio 4?

It was two years ago Deputy PM. It all started in May 2003.

What happened after all the kids were sent home for the whole week PM?

Well, according to the initiatives sent out by the Ministry ten years ago about making use of school premises when not actually being used for teaching kids, the administrative people there looked around for something to do and they discovered that they could get paid quite a lot of money for putting up refugees.

Go on PM

Over a period of a few months, using their administrative and repairs budget they converted the school into a hotel and started putting up refugees
They're doing so well they concreted over the school football pitch and built a new wing for an extra 200 families

What about all the kids that got sent home PM?

Well Deputy PM we did some research into this and found that because of all the TV programs about buying houses abroad at knock down prices the School Parents Association got all the parents together and most families emigrated to Bosnia.

Why Bosnia PM?

Well Deputy PM.. it turns out that there are lots of empty houses in Bosnia and half-full schools so the families went there for a better standard of living it seems.
I heard that they're all living in the lap of luxury

What about the kid's schooling PM ?
Will they all get taught Bosnian?

No Deputy PM. The Parents Association invited the redundant teachers to go with them. They all got jobs in Bosnian schools so the kids all get taught English not Bosnian.

Who pays the teachers' wages PM?
The Bosnian Government does..
It seems they haven't been brought into the 21st Century Deputy PM. They don't care about the cost of schools… they just pay teachers

Who pays for the Bosnian school administrators' PM?
It seems there aren't any Deputy PM. Bosnian schools just have teachers and kids.
Amazing PM perhaps we ought to send a team over there and help them out
I wish you'd do something Deputy PM… I feel sort of responsible

Your wish is my command PM


12 months later…at Number Ten

That team we sent out to Bosnia finally finished its report PM..

Why did it take so long Deputy PM?

Half the team decided to bring their families over to join them PM
When they discovered how nice it was over there they sold their homes in London, bought Bosnian mansions and retired

Anything else Deputy PM?

Yes PM. The main thing that attracted them was the fact that the school kids were doing so well. Without all the special evaluation testing and the total absence of administrative duties the teachers were really teaching.

One old chap said it reminded him of his schooldays when the only administrative person in his school was the school secretary.. and she was only part time. She worked in Woolworth's every other day.

Teachers in Bosnia just teach and get paid. In fact a couple of teachers told our team that they didn't really care how much they were paid as they were really enjoying teaching.

What about the teams' report Deputy PM. Is there anything we can do to help the Bosnian Education Ministry? You know like selling them some computers and loaning them some bean counter people and so on?

It's actually the other way round PM. The team suggested we ask a Bosnian team over here to help us. Cheeky blighters!
Anyway they said they didn't have to actually come over here. When our team made enquiries the Bosnian Education Ministry suggested we pay teachers their wages out of income tax.

As simple as that?
What about the computers? Who pays for those?

They don't have any PM. They say they can't afford the administrative staff and anyway they said that their study of British Government and Local Authority software systems showed that they were all rubbish and a total waste of time and effort.


No PM, Bosnians.

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