Meeting at Number Ten between the PM,
the Deputy PM, the Chancellor and the Secretary of State for
Health and whatnots (7th June 2003)
3 reports on Radio 4 this last week....
We really must sort out NHS funding
once and for all lads and I've called you all together because
the Deputy PM tells me he's had a brainwave
I'm going to let him explain.. carry
on Deputy PM
and lads.. it came to
me in the bath the other night
I was thinking that we need three things,
to spend less money on the NHS.. second to raise
more cash for more interesting stuff and third to reduce hospital
It came to me all of a sudden as I was
looking for the bath plug
Who needs most money spending on them
smokers and fat people
Who provides a goodly sum to us at absolutely
no cost like having to make extra roads and stuff ?
smokers and fat people
Who has the biggest share of hospital
waiting lists ?
smokers and fat people
Well in one fell stroke we can solve
all our problems lads
Before anyone can get put on a hospital
waiting list they have to meet two requirements
First they have to stop smoking
Second they have to lose two stone
Cracked it lads
What if a person doesn't smoke and isn't
fat Deputy PM?
Clearly they can't answer the first
question in the affirmative so they can't get onto the waiting
How is that Deputy PM?
There'll be just YES and NO boxes. At
the top we'll print "Every question has to be answered"
Have you stopped smoking? YES or NO?
If it's YES they get considered for Question 2, if NO they're
You mean they'll never get on the waiting
list Deputy PM?
No that would be most unfair. They have
to start smoking and then re-apply. Just before they fill in
the form again they'll have to stop smoking.
I bet lots won't be able to
Is that a good idea Deputy PM?
Of course it is. Every pack of cigarettes
that's sold we make about £2.50.. that can't be bad! Extra
people smoking equals more fags sold equals more money for the
What about fat people Deputy PM?
Well the questions will be arranged
so only fat ex-smokers will be allowed to get as far as the second
Then the crunch.
"Fill in your current weight and
get your local GP to verify the exact figure".
Then when you've lost two stone or after
a month go back to your GP and get him to verify this.
Just think lads the waiting list may
drop to zero in a few weeks!
What about smokers Deputy PM, can't
they just stop and answer Question 1 in the affirmative?
I thought about that Maurice
happens when a smoker stops smoking?
Answer they put on weight. They go off
and stuff themselves full of chocolate or sweets.
So they have to fill in their weight
just before they stop smoking then they have to wait a month
for Part 2 of the form to be authorised by their GP and when
they get weighed their weight will have gone up and they won't
be eligible for the waiting list.
Fantastic Deputy PM. How do we go about
arranging all this?
We'll announce it as a new health initiative..
nothing to do with hospital waiting lists. We'll keep that bit
under wraps. Nobody will be aware of what's going on and then,
later we'll announce a record fall in hospital waiting lists.
In fact we may be able to actually close some hospitals they'll
be that empty!
Absolutely stunning Deputy PM. I'm really
pleased that we've got that BUPA scheme.
Anything else while we're here?
Yes PM there's the thing about Royal
Mail not wanting to use mail trains any more.
What's that all about Deputy PM?
It seems that the new rail companies
are putting up their charges for handling mail. For instance
they're going to start charging the postmen that do the sorting
on the trains to buy tickets before they get on.
Quite right too Deputy PM. WE wouldn't
expect to have to travel for nothing after all.
Of course not PM. If we did that how
would we fill in our expense forms. Just think of all the creative
thought we'd miss out on.
How's the Royal Mail going to send their
letters round the country Deputy PM?
Well there's two ways. They already
have lots of aeroplanes and a few more won't hurt. No problem
with congestion because they'll be flying at night-time.
What about all the people living near
airports.. won't they complain about aeroplanes waking them up
in the middle of the night?
The silly beggars shouldn't have bought
their houses next to airports should they. They've only themselves
to blame. I bet none of us have a house next to an airport have
Then there's the other way
road. Just think of all those empty roads in the middle of the
night. What a waste! They'll buy a few more lorries and no problem.
What about huge lorries racing through
little villages in the middle of the night?
Everyone will be asleep so who's to
hear them? No-one.
If they keep waking up they can move
house. No-one's forcing them to live next to a main road after
all. That's the great thing about this country of ours Deputy
PM. Freedom of choice!
Anything else Deputy PM before my afternoon
Just that picture of me in the papers
Didn't see that Deputy PM. What picture?
Oh it's nothing PM. I was motioning
to those reporters I'd be back in two minutes that's all PM.
It was nothing really.
That's what I like to hear Deputy PM.
Keep the press fully informed
now off you go.. I need to
call dubya before my nap and get our story straight.