Implausible Story No.10

 The US forces have just stopped fighting in Iraq and are busy searching for Dubya's "Weapons of Mass Destruction", surely not so that he can pen a poignant paragraph in his "Campaign for re-election in 2004?".


Meanwhile, back at Number Ten....

What's this boss… you're here first? I've never known this before. I usually get here at least half an hour before you and put the kettle on. The rabble won't be here for at least another twenty minutes. They bank on you being late. What's going on?

Well Deputy PM I'm really rather chuffed. Everything's gone fantastically smoothly. More than I'd dared to hope. The other week I'd even got a furniture van provisionally booked and I'd turned on the immersion heater in the flat down-town.

Yes PM I'm quite amazed myself. I'll go so far as to say I'd got one of my Jags in Southern Auto Trader.

Deputy PM?

Yes boss.

Do you think I'm immortal, as it were?

Yes boss I think you might be.

What am I going to pull off as an encore Deputy PM. Let's put our heads together and sort something out. Now I'm on a roll I feel as if I can do anything.

There is that matter of the "Weapons of Mass Destruction", PM. You know we haven't actually found any yet and I'm beginning to get a little jittery.

Don't worry yourself about that Deputy PM I'm sure we'll turn up something.
These weapons things sound rather evil don't they. Why don't we ban them completely. In fact why don't we find out who else has got any. I mean really got some and give them an ultimatum like Dubyah did. If it worked for him it'll work for me. Let's make a list of countries that have "Weapons of Mass Destruction", and tell them to get rid of them or else.

What exactly are they Deputy PM? Just remind me.

I'm not precisely sure PM. Perhaps we can call in some military chappies to advise us?

Who do we know Deputy PM? Somebody really senior with lots of rings on their cuffs.

How about the Duke of Edinburgh PM, he's got lots of rings round his cuffs.

Splendid Deputy PM. I'll pop round to the palace this afternoon. I haven't actually been congratulated from those quarters yet and it'll give HM a chance to sing my praises… ho ho ho. In fact Deputy PM. I think I'll go now. No-one's turned up yet and I feel like the morning off.

Just before I pop off… when the plebs get here ask them to make a list of any countries that have Weapons of Mass Destruction. Sort them out starting with the biggest culprit at the top. Then we'll write to them and spell out some dire consequences, such as, "provide us with a 7,000 page listing of what you plan to get rid of or we'll nuke you". I'm not just a pretty face you know!

OK PM. Your wish is my command.

Later at the palace…

Well Tone I think as far as actual quantities of Weapons of Mass Destruction the United States of America has the most.

What do you mean Phil that can't be true. Weapons of Mass Destruction are evil things in the hands of evil people.

That may be so Tone but it's true. In fact…. we have quite a lot of them as well.

Surely not us Phil. Not us; we're not evil.

That may be so Tone but nevertheless we have thousands and thousands of Weapons of Mass Destruction. The United States had a ginormous number but they used a lot in Iraq recently so they've got a lot less now.

In fact Tone the United States and ourselves invented Weapons of Mass Destruction. We even sell a lot to our friends. Not just actual friends either, ha ha… anyone that'll buy them. If they have money they're a friend.

I can hardly believe that but you know best Phil. What about chemical and biological weapons? They're really, really evil things. We don't have any of those do we?

Of course we have Tone. Haven't you heard of Porton Down? That's where we designed ours.

I didn't realise Phil. I just thought it meant something really bad used by real bad people.

Later.. back at Number Ten…..

Still here Deputy PM I thought you'd have gone home by now it's after two-thirty.

No PM. I thought I'd help you out. We had our meeting and we even called in some bods from Whitehall. We asked the MoD boys to make a list of owners of Weapons of Mass Destruction and I even got the Foreign Office to draw up a really nasty threatening letter to be sent to the country at the top of the list.

Deputy PM.

Yes PM?

When you intimate you actually set the wheels in motion, as it were, what exactly's going on?

Well PM. I explained about you being sort of immortal.. you know… what we spoke about earlier… The Foreign Secretary said he'd show you how immortal you were or something.. and went off in a hurry.

I don't like the sound of this Deputy PM.
I think I need a cup of coffee.

Sound of a telephone ringing... but very muffled.

What's that Deputy PM?

I think it's a telephone ringing PM.

Where is it Deputy PM?

It sounds like it's coming from that desk drawer PM. I'll just look and see.

It is a telephone in the drawer PM. It's an old-fashioned red one....

Hello…. this is the PM… who's there?

Oh it's you Dubyah. What's going on? Why are you calling from my desk drawer?

What ultimatum Dubyah?

You've got 24 hours to make a 7,000 page list of your Weapons of Mass Destruction or we'll do what?

There must be some mistake.

Signed by the Foreign Secretary on my notepaper!

I'll call you back when I've worked out a story Dubyah. I can't think straight at the moment.

Deputy PM.

Yes PM?

Call Pickfords….


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