Totally imaginary meeting at Number
10, Second week in February 2004
Good morning everyone, sit down and
help yourselves to coffee from the flask on the table. I got
here early and made it myself.
Sound of cups clinking and the odd slurping....
Good heavens Deputy PM this coffee is
terrible.
I'm sorry Eustace. It's the best I could
do on short notice. I borrowed a jar of instant from Cherie.
What happened to your new Department
Deputy PM. You know, the one you created to supply proper coffee?
They've all been seconded to this Committee
of Enquiry the PM has set up to review the intelligence information
leading to the Iraq war.
Are they experts in that sort of thing
Deputy PM?
Of course not you buffoon. Why should
they be? After all, the committee is meeting in secret on the
advice of the PM.
How are they going to write a report
on something about which they don't know anything Deputy PM?
How long have you had your job Eustace?
You should know very well that we politicians don't actually
have to know anything about the stuff we deal with. Either we
get someone to advise us or we just waffle about stuff using
special words that don't actually mean anything in particular…
just sound good.
Anyway, just between you and I Eustace,
the PM's already drafted the summary of their findings. All the
committee has to do is to bulk it out a bit and produce a nice
fat report full of pages with "Secret-Cabinet Office Eyes
Only" on them that we won't let anyone read, confirming
what our leader has decided. He's not just a pretty face you
know.
Right you lot, shut up and try and look
intelligent. I know that's virtually impossible for some of you
but do your best, I can hear the PM coming….
PM enters looking annoyed…
I don't understand Deputy PM…
What don't you understand PM?
Well do you remember when I agreed to
send my brave lads into Iraq to help Dubyah?
Yes PM. We stayed up all night every
day that week talking to those chaps from the RAF about what
sort of things they had to drop bombs on.
Yes Deputy PM. We had that A-Z of Baghdad
from Dubyah.. The copy marked with pink and blue circles round
various areas. Blue for the US and pink for the UK. I remember
the previous week I had the dickens of a time with those American
Generals agreeing our colour should be pink. In the end that
chap at the end of the table said it was probably appropriate
as we were all pinkoes anyway. I didn't really understand but
that was what was agreed. Our circles are pink.
I don't understand what you're getting
at PM. Our brave lads dropped bombs and shot their missiles at
the pink circles didn't they?
Of course they did Deputy PM. That's
not the issue but when we agreed on what colour circles to use
we also agreed that whatever we knocked down our civil engineering
people could put back up again later. You remember those talks
we had about a year before we eventually went to war about reconstruction
contracts? The deal was that we could put back whatever we knocked
down.
Quite right PM. What's the problem?
Well it seems some other irks are rebuilding
some of our pink circles Deputy PM. It seems that a large US
company offered to do a deal and quoted a knockdown price, 'scuse
the pun Deputy PM, and are doing virtually everything.
I see PM. Well I'm afraid I can't help;
you handled all the fine-tuning yourself. Does it really matter
anyway PM? I understand the way the deals were struck we would
have been paid in oil anyway. What use are a few barrels of oil
to our construction companies?
I suppose you're right as usual Deputy
PM, messy stuff and it's bad for the environment as well.. You
really are good at seeing through my difficulties.
Anything of interest to talk about today
Deputy PM?
Only the issue of housing, especially
in London, PM.
Remind me Deputy PM.
We've had a request from some friends
of yours, big landowners in London.
What.. They want planning permission
to build lots of houses for all these immigrants flooding into
the City?
No PM. Don't you recall how the argument
was put to you?
Remind me Deputy PM. I think I've forgotten.
They say that if no one is allowed to
build new houses the ones they have will be worth a lot more
money. Prices will go through the roof, another pun if you hadn't
noticed PM. The more the prices rise the more they can ask for
their leases and of course the main thing is they don't have
to get all messy mixing mortar and stuff, not that these people
ever have to mix mortar.. It's just a way of explaining things
PM.
Say no more I remember now. It was that
chap in the Rolls Royce that parked outside Number 10 that time.
The policeman said he couldn't park there but the chauffeur said
his boss owned Downing Street and he could park where he liked.
He went on about not restricting immigrants
too didn't he? The more the merrier he said. They have to live
somewhere.
Anything else before I have my morning
siesta Deputy PM?
Pensions PM… the problem with Pension
Companies going bust.
How can our Pension Company go bust
Deputy PM. As long as there's Income Tax our pensions are as
safe as houses, oops another pun Deputy PM…
Not our Pensions PM, the plebs' pensions…
you know the workers that have been paying contributions from
their hard earned wages over the last 50 years suddenly finding
that their boss has pinched the money or someone invested it
all in the Stock Exchange and it just disappeared…
Say no more Deputy PM. I had one of
my team of advisors look into it. Actually I have so many now
I inadvertently asked the wrong one. It turned out I asked the
chappie looking into new stealth taxes by mistake. He said we
could have a special fund for bailing out pension funds that
had gone bust. We siphon off 50% of the pension fund contributions
from the workers and place it into a special fund that we can
look after ourselves.
What do you mean, "look after"
PM?
Well actually he said we could use the
money for absolutely anything. If some workers had to wait 30
years to draw their pensions we could look after the money for
absolutely ages and by the time they asked for it back we could
pretend we had already paid it out and there was none left.
What a spiffing idea PM. In fact with
all that money swilling around we could give ourselves a decent
rise. I'll put it to Eustace later that he should ask a question
in the house next week. You can say we haven't had a rise for
years and years and it'll go down well, no one will refuse a
pay rise. Everyone will be really pleased with you PM.
Thank you Deputy PM. You always know
exactly how to cheer me up.
That reminds me PM. That little matter
about the whitewashing of the big gates at the end of the road
last week.
Yes Deputy PM. I'm trying to put that
to the back of my mind what is it?
I think we ought to consider having
the front door painted in a nice gloss white PM, just in case
one of those irks gets in and tries to chuck whitewash over the
door of Number 10. It wouldn't show up on the TV like it did
on the gates.
Good idea Deputy PM.
Shall I ask that chap in the Rolls Royce
to do it PM. After all it's his door and it's not been painted
for ages.
No Deputy PM, don't upset him just do
it yourself next weekend.
Your wish is my command, PM…
