As usual most of these made-up stories come from news
reports in the daily paper or Radio 4, maybe...slightly embellished
Being a Wednesday
Good morning lads and lasses the PM
will be with us in a minute.
Sit up straight everyone, and no frowning
over there, or chucking screwed up pieces of paper round the
table Chancellor. I know you've just had a £22,000 pay
rise but we'd rather you didn't rub it in. Some of us are on
our uppers. One of my jags ran out of petrol the other day and
the chauffeur had to push it home because the credit card kept
ringing an alarm bell every time the chap at the garage tried
to put it in the machine. We had to wait ages while a lad came
out and siphoned the petrol out of the tank. It was very embarrassing
especially as I'm sure the chap at the garage was an Illegal
Immigrant, at least he couldn't speak proper English and kept
muttering something about this sort of thing never happening
in Albania. Anyway it took ages before I got pushed home. It
was ever so boring sitting in the back of the car for two hours
trundling along at 1mph.
Anyway the reason for today's meeting
is that I've had a warning that the Member for East Grinstead
will be asking a question at tomorrow's PM's Questions and I
want us to work out an answer for the PM to give to the chap.
It's connected with old people staying
in hospital too long… sort of treating the places like hotels.
We sent a circular round a fortnight
ago ordering Chief Executives to implement immediately our new
strategy of clearing beds as soon as operations had been completed.
The long and the short of it is some irk went to visit his elderly
mother of 93 last week and they couldn't find her. After a few
hours playing with their computers they discovered she had been
sent home after her operation. He said she hadn't arrived and
after a lot of investigation they found her sitting by a bus
stop outside the hospital.
She'd been there two days in her nightie
with no money.
They took her back to hospital.
Not the same one you understand because
that doesn't have an outpatients department, but to one somewhere
in Birmingham. Everywhere else was full.
After nine hours sitting in the outpatients
department she was seen by the doctor and was told she needed
an operation. It seems they'd forgotten to do it in the other
place… some sort of computer glitch. Anyway she's been put
back on the waiting list and it seems she's got to wait another
five years.
All very interesting Deputy PM but what's
the question?
Not so fast young woman, I'm coming
to that… The question is.. the old lady's son parked his
car in the hospital car park and when he returned after finding
his mother and sorting out her trip to Birmingham his car had
been clamped and they wanted £1,000 cash to remove the
clamps.
He said he didn't have that much on
him so went into town to get some from his bank and when he got
back the car had been towed away.
He rang the number on the ticket he'd
been given earlier and was directed to a call centre in Delhi.
All the lines were busy and all he got was Indian music. He tried
on and off for a couple of days then gave up and rang his MP.
So there we are… the question is… where's the car?
We could try "the old standby",
Deputy PM.
What's that Godfrey?
Well it goes like this… The second
question on the PM's list should be something really innocuous
like.. "If the PM had a completely free hand and the UK
were to be given the chance to hold the Olympic Games in 2020
or something.. where would he like to see them held?"
I suggest a "written" answer
simply stating "East Grinstead". Then later when your
chap's question gets put he says simply, "I refer the honourable
member to the answer I gave earlier".
By the time he's sorted that out, Eureka,
the car will have turned up…
Jolly good Godfrey. You've really earned
your pay today.
Sound of feet running up the stairs
and the door flies open
Grey looking figure slumps into chair pulls out a handkerchief
emblazoned with stars and stripes and wipes his brow..
Quick Deputy PM pass me a coffee and
a chocolate digestive
That's a nice hankie PM
Yes Deputy PM it's one of the new one's
that've just been produced
I got it on my last trip.. it's really special
Why's that PM?
It's got an extra star on it Deputy
PM.
An extra star PM? What for?
Us you wally. Us. Haven't you read the
latest new "Bush 2004" manifesto. The bit about inviting
the UK to become the newest US state?
That's great PM does it mean we'd get
a discount to Disneyworld?
Probably Maurice, probably.
By the way Deputy PM did you sort out
the latest silliness?
Naturellement PM, naturellement.
Right you lot can clear off then and
let me get some work done.
Cherie wants me to redecorate my lad's new flat
Before you all disappear can someone lend me a B& Q Pensioners'
Discount Card…. Mo?
PM really, I'm most hurt.
Sorreee.... anyone else?
