Implausible Story No28

Expenses… them and us (Jan 2009)

An announcement that MPs would now have to submit receipts for items over £25 instead of the old £250 limit

Dratted expenses… last year I could buy a new hi-fi for £249 for the second home and not have to produce a blinking receipt. I just said it cost £249 and that was good enough for old James, but now the do-good wallahs have reduced the non-receiptable claims to £25… good heavens I can't get a decent whiskey for £25… what's the world coming to old man. In fact what's the use of being a flipping MP when one can't raid the old piggy bank without producing reams of paper. Have no fear Eustace you old buffer, I heard a super wheeze that old whatisname… you know the head of debating soc in '57, came up with yesterday… What's that Alistair? Just between you and me Eustace.. if you pop into Harrods and whisper the secret password to the chap in electricals… you know him... that wimp chap in the debating soc, friend of whatisname, with a damnable lisp… he'll give you umpteen separate receipts for £24.99.I just bought a 60" plasma for the girlfriend's flat and got a hundred receipts for £24.99. Absolutely kosher old man. Absolutely kosher. Jim says he's pleasantly surprised but can't fault me one little bit. If any of those irks in that dratted thingy organisation ask for evidence of my expenses, all they'll get is non-receipted petty cash records. After all you can't stop a chap buying a round of scotch for the delegation from the "Keep Abertillery Coal Mine Open"…movement. What's the secret password Alistair? Don't tell me you want a 60" plasma TV for that young blond lady I saw you with last night Eustace? No Alistair… I want to get one for myself… after all, I deserve a reward for turning up that night back in September at 10:30pm for that silly vote. Not any more Eustace… we're working on a new wheeze. You don't have to turn up in future. You can stay at home watching your new plasma. All you do is ring the Speaker and ask him to put a voting slip in the government box on your behalf. In fact the new wheeze will be under the guise of being greener. Nobody will have to turn up at the house after 4:30pm soon. It'll be 11am till 4:30pm. Something to do with saving electricity. Too technical for me old boy…. Have another scotch… let me treat you, it's only £24.99 here at the House bar you know…

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