Cabinet Meeting, April 2006
Come in everyone, you don't have to
We didn't like to disturb you Deputy
PM.. There were these strange noises coming from inside, something
like a kind of grunting and snuffling. We didn't like to disturb
you and the young lady so we've all been waiting outside the
door for the last twenty minutes.
You daft pillocks. That wasn't grunting
or snuffling, it's the new coffee maker. It's one of these new
expresso machines and Trace here has been looking after it. I
really can't imagine what you thought you heard.
Sorreee Deputy PM.. We didn't think
anything did we lads.. Chorus of no's from most of the lads
and a few tuttings from the ladies
Sit yourselves down anyway and Trace
will sort out the coffee. I'm afraid the new machine was a trifle
expensive so I've got a Quality Street tin in place of the tobacco
tin for the contributions.
At his prices I'd have thought a wall
safe would be better.
What was that you whispered to the Secretary
of State for Education, Charles?
Nothing Deputy PM, I just said your
coffee is always a safe bet.
Alright Charles, but just watch it,
you know I'm a dab hand at the Royal Sport.
You're a dab hand at most indoor sports
I mean boxing, Charles.
I remember Deputy PM. The time that
peasant chucked an egg at you and you really laid into him
so tread very carefully
Now the PM has asked me to call you
all together to discuss the NHS.
Surely not again Deputy PM, you know
none of us would dream of using the NHS. By the time our turn
came up in the queue, we'd be either expired from old age or
emigrated to somewhere like France where they don't seem have
so many sick people.
Nothing to do with using the NHS you
wally; trying to improve it's efficiency.
It's something the PM heard on Radio
4 yesterday. Apparently the manager of one very large hospital
happened to say he was improving their efficiency by getting
rid of beds and closing wards and the PM, bless his heart, thought
that if this idea was carried through to its logical conclusion,
why not get rid of beds and wards completely. No beds and no
wards equals 100% efficiency.
That really is a fantastic idea Deputy
PM. The PM really is a super chap. He can see things ever so
The principal is that all the inefficiencies
in hospitals are connected with operations and making people
well. The only efficient staff in the NHS are the managers and
the latter are really creative people and one
of them wrote a note to the PM explaining that if all the wards
are cleared of beds and fitted out with accountants' desks and
filing cabinets, together with terminals to a new computer system,
specially designed for accounting, then all would be well with
The PM thought this was a cracking good
idea, especially if a few dozen barristers could also be fitted
in somehow. He said he wasn't exactly sure how they could best
be employed but a good friend had asked him to see if some work
for HM could be sorted out. Possibly something about losing an
IOU he'd got from the PM the other year, but I didn't quite catch
What about all the people on waiting
lists Deputy PM?
No problem Charles. The PM noticed that
you can fly almost anywhere these days for 99p. He suggested
99p vouchers could be issued at hospital gates so anyone turning
up there could be redirected to their local airport.
So they can go to France for their ops
and stuff Charles. You remember I said that France hardly had
any sick people. Fairs fair we'll send them a few. Really good
idea, help French doctors keep their hand in
in fact why
don't we ask the French Government for a contribution
it down to training
after all we shouldn't be expected
to help them out for nothing..
Next, without more ado, can I move on
to the next topic the PM asked me to put to you lot.
The golden rule is that any employee
must be promoted to the point where anything he does wrong has
the minimum bad effect on day to day running of your ministries.
Charles, I understand you've already
taken care of that over the road?
Yes Deputy PM. All sorted out. My chap's
had his promotion and shouldn't be a bother again.
The rest of you can follow Charles'
What happens if the actual boss of the
ministry does something really inept Deputy PM, or doesn't do
something he should have done?
What always happens Percy
three bosses find themselves caught out, we have a cabinet shuffle.
Everyone sees the PM and he'll tell them what a wonderful person
they are, and how he supports them 100%, and they're going to
Everyone's name gets typed into a cabinet office computer and
a random program picks out names for the bosses jobs, taking
care, of course, that the same person doesn't get their old job
That way none of us gets to lose our
big salary and our big limousine and stuff.
Jolly good Deputy PM.. By the way does
your name get shuffled in the computer too?
My lips are sealed Percy.. But I can tell you this
Any more business before I discuss the
new coffee machine with Trace?
Is it true that the new Conservative
chappie that comes to work on his bike every morning gets followed
by a big black limousine carrying his briefcase and shoes Deputy
Almost right Percy, it's actually a
Lexus and it's not black, but I heard that one of his friends
sons is a painter and decorator and has offered to re-paint it
so that he can tell everyone it's a green car.
Spiffing idea Deputy PM. We all ought
to drive green cars. Why don't we get the new DVLC computer to
charge less road tax for green cars?
I'm not sure you've got the right end
of the stick Percy old boy
when those tree hugger bods
talk about green they don't necessarily mean the colour
Just clear off you lot and let me discuss
the new coffee machine with Trace