As usual most of the ideas come from news reports in
the daily paper or Radio 4, maybe...slightly embellished
This might have been a Cabinet Meeting at Number Ten, quite
"Righto lads and lasses, now we're
all sitting comfortably, over to you PM."
"Thank you, Deputy PM... Good morning
everyone, welcome once again to chez moi... now I'm back from
my little soiree, we ought to discuss a few little issues and
get them sorted before all the voters find out about our latest
little faux pas and not just Daily Mail readers."
"Yes Clarence, what is it?"
"Nothing PM, just to compliment
you on your command of francais, that's all. You're a true Eurocrat"
"Well we must all try our hardest,
Clarence. Anyway as I was just about to say...First there's this
business about people not really working, Deputy PM. I read what
you had to say in the paper yesterday.
You said that you were going to define "worklessness"
and I've just read the draft.
You can't say that someone is not working just because he's sitting
What do you think WE do all day you great wally.
If you got your way we'd be arrested by the local social security
people and they'd try to stop our benefits."
"But we don't get paid benefits,
"It all comes from the same place,
Deputy PM and I'm not going to take the chance.
Come up with a better definition or I'll do it myself. How about
making everyone collecting social security benefits, "Social
Security Assistants". The benefits can be classed as pay.
do you realise
nobody will be unemployed.
What utter brilliance even if I say it myself.
How much do people get at the moment Home Secretary?"
"About £100 a week PM."
"Right. From next week everyone
collecting benefits will be deemed to be working 16 hours a week.
Standing around talking is obviously work. That means they'll
be fully employed under the rules. Pay them the minimum wage,
say £3.50 an hour and we'll end up paying them
. Secretary of State for Education
"What is it PM? Sorry, I was just
"Don't worry, I'll do it myself..
Saving us how much Secretary of State for Education?"
"Hang on a mo PM
Sound of scribbling and paper being
"No you great pillock.. £46!
Fantastic. There's about four million scroungers on benefits
and that'll save us
Don't look so blank you lot
Pass me a pencil and paper and I'll work it out myself
Lots of scribbling
"If you say so PM."
"That's sorted then. Write it up
whoever's responsible and I'll get it signed off.
Now that idea from the Home Secretary.
Binmen arresting members of the public
for dropping chewing gum on the pavement.
I've had two enquiries from the binmans' union already. One says
that they want to know if we'll pay all the expenses for foremen
to take a degree course in Law leading to them being accepted
by the Bar.
And that's not all. They want all the ordinary binmen to attend
courses in martial arts so when they arrest someone they'll feel
able to protect themselves.
Sounds like a sticky problem
ho ho ho
They also say that, since that crackdown
on litter, they've had a number of binmen arrest each other for
dropping litter when they were emptying bins. It's some sort
of scam so they can get off work for a few weeks while they work
out their legal position.
Sort it out Home Secretary. Draft a new law to get the sticky
stuff removed from chewing gum or something.
. now those nitty gritty
things are aired I'd like to get to the real reason for today's
That "Think Tank" we set up
last year to help reduce our workload has published its first
They say they fed some figures into their computers and came
up with a really worrying prediction.
They've been monitoring the number of civil servants we've been
taking on. They reckon it was 9,000 over the last six months.
They predict that, if we continue at the same rate, the whole
UK workforce will be civil servants in five years."
Click to see how many
civil servants there are in Whitehall
"Did they say whose Department
will have the most PM?"
"Why do want to know that Roger?"
"Well if it's mine PM I think I
deserve more money for the extra responsibility."
"You know you might have something
I never thought of that. You lot all work for me. I use the term
"work" only in its loosest way ha ha
But it does mean that I must end up with absolutely everyone
working for me doesn't it. That means I'll be first in line for
"Quite right PM. You really really
deserve it too.
I don't know how you can make ends meet."
"Thank you for those few kind words,
Deputy PM. I'm glad someone appreciates me.
I'm sure you deserve your share as well."
"Hang on a minute PM."
"What is it Chancellor and why
are you fiddling with that calculator?"
we'll have to pay their
"We do already Chancellor so what's
Any money we need we extract from taxes
and we use that to pay civil servants."
"Yes PM, but if everyone works
for us and we only take about 25% in income tax who pays the
"Well there is VAT, Chancellor
and National Insurance and Holiday Tax and Insurance Tax; all
those new stealth taxes. We can use that."
"That's not the big picture, PM.
Basically if everyone works for us we'll need 100% of everyone's
income just to pay them their wages
Put it like this.. We pay everyone January's salary. Then there's
no money in the kitty
We'd have to take it all back before February and then they get
it as February's salary."
"That seems to work Chancellor
I'll go with that."
"What do they have to live on,
"Oh I forgot about that Chancellor.
Say we allow them 10% to live on."
"That means we can only get back
90% in taxes."
Pause in proceedings while everyone
wrestles with this problem...
"What if we pay them 10% less for
"That sounds like a good idea,
"We'll go with that Chancellor."
"If you say so PM, but what about
March?" How do find enough to pay their salaries for March?"
"So we pay everyone 10% less for
March as well."
"Yes, Deputy PM, what is it?"
"Aren't we civil servants?"
"Yes, Deputy PM of course we are."
"Does it mean we get paid 10% less
every month too?"
"Gosh I didn't think of that. Anyone
got any ideas?"
"I've got an idea PM."
"Yes Secretary for Trade and Industry,
what is it?"
"Well you know how the fat cats
in the private sector keep giving themselves more money each
year for basically doing less?"
"Well why don't we privatise the
That way we can stand back from all the bickering about pay cuts.
In fact with all the extra hassle we can expect I think we'd
be well within our rights to give ourselves a jolly good rise!"
"That's a wonderful idea, Clarence.
I really like it.
We'll form our own Limited Company and that way we can do what
We can charge the Civil Service a realistic 21st century fee
for what we do!
How do we go about it, Mr Attorney General?"
"Well PM, I reckon first we call
for tenders to run the Privatised Government.
We'll restrict tenderer's to eligible groups. For example
"tenderers must already be governing the UK"."
"I like it Fred. That means there's
only us that will be eligible to put in a bid.
We can say whatever we like and no-one can outbid us!
Shall we make it a nice round number... say a £1 each.
I'll pass the hat round later.
Write up a new law Fred and I'll get it signed off in the usual
If all goes well we'll all be ex-civil servants by the middle
of next week.
I never really liked the name anyway, it sounds sort of stuffy.
I like the sound of being a "fat cat".
You know what I like best, Deputy PM?"
"All the extra money PM?"
"Not just that, Deputy PM. It'll
mean that the clever so and so's in the Think Tank will be wrong.
Not everyone will be a civil servant
.. ho ho ho.
Pass the chocolate digestives, Fred.